Reality

"You can't eat a dream, but reality puts food on the table."

- Hiroshi Nakano, Gravitation

You know, one of the most crushing things in life is when you actually realize this.

Many people have dreams, aspirations, hopes and desires for their future. In fact, the educational syllabus, in their folly actually encourages such.

I feel like a little kid, standing on a cliff, shouting at the vast sea and shouting out my dreams and aspiration.

- An utterly useless act of self-edification.

There are few people on earth who have the solid passion, drive and desire to push all the way, despite the harshness of reality, and yet succeed in the end.

In fact, the percentage of those who strive for their dreams and those who actually end up successful is less then 1%...

As we grow older, we get less disillusioned and more practical. Food, housing, medical, family becomes a priority, and selfish dreams have no room for them.

I keep questioning myself:

IS THIS THE LIFE THAT I WANT?

... I keep drawing the conclusion: I do not have the calibre for it, even if I wanted to.

Dream - Being a director

Reality - Utterly bad memory

It's like asking a colored blind person to be a painter. Can he ever succeed?

I tried streamlining my work, I tried doing all sorts of tricks to remember... but I always screw up.

I don't understand why. It's like some abhorrent force is trying to cause me to stumble all the time.

This industry is one that is completely made out of stress.

Stressed people, stressed faces, stressed words, stressed actions. All become a chain cycle which causes people to become so miserable after awhile that they quit.

My incompetency is reaching a level in which I can't even tolerate my ownself anymore...

I'm even starting to have nightmares.

NIGHTMARES!!!

I can't even remember when was the last time I had series after series of nightmares.

Waking up in cold sweat in the middle of the night, thinking I'm late for work, or because I dreamed that I forgot to do something.

I don't really recall being that forgetful.

Is that forgetfulness?

I know I've always been extremely dedicated to my work, but meticulousness hasn't always been my forte.

Dedication without meticulousness is nothing.

Meticulousness without endurance is nothing.

Endurance without drive is nothing.

Drive without destination is nothing.

What do I want?

The first thing that screams in my head is

1) Get out of this place as soon as possible.

but

2) If you leave, will you ever regret the training it could have given you?

and

3) If you do not leave, could there be greater rewards awaiting you that you never thought of?

My mind is stressed with all these questions aside from those things that I have to do and remember daily.

I'm only a PA. If I ever become an AP, the workload will be increased TENFOLD.

Do I want that? Do I have the endurance to run this race?...

.... I'm going to have to sacrificing a lot of things.

Misery

Work is crazy.

I think crazy is an understatement.

I'm not sure if I'm utterly inapt, useless, retarded or just plain, not trying hard enough.

I can't even handle basic things like getting my forms done correctly, remembering what my actors wore for particular scenes, or even helping my AP get some of the stuff she entrusted to me correctly...

Yeah. I'm useless. Like what she said, I probably can't be trusted anymore...

I really dunno if it is a language barrier, cos as often as possible, the instructions that they give me are in English.

Am I inapt?..... I think I probably am...

Even if I go to work an hour earlier then everybody and leave an hour later then everybody, I am bound to forget stuff.

Every night I sleep in fear and nightmares of what I've forgot to do.

... sometimes I just want to give up everything.

I'm learning. I'm still learning. But the things thrown at me, though it may be presumably little, somehow tends to amplify a hundred times in my mind.

.. a fear of how a sentence can change into Chinese suddenly and I'd be lost

i.e. Hey! Stop that person! He "qin pang" already!

I would run to go stop that person, but when the sentence finishes, I'm lost. Because I have no idea what the hell is "qin pang".

My eyes and legs are just so tired. I feel like crying.

How on earth do these people do this job? Unless I lack something in me that they have and I do not.

I've been pondering about it and I came to a few conclusions

1) Language

People who can speak the same language fluently tend to stick to each other, and communicate each other in the preferable language. This would cause them to unconsciously block out people who do not speak it so well.

2) Memory

I have an extremely bad memory, and I know that myself very well, thats why I try my best to write down everything I need to do in as much of a regimented, systematic way as possible so I would not miss anything. But in an unpredictable industry such as this, how can "system" even work?.... fail.

3) Social

I.. guess... I'm not really that sociable... even if I try my utmost lame effort to do something right. I smile as much as I can, so that other people would not see the frantic warfare that is raging inside me. Sometimes, I smile so much that it becomes fake.... Sometimes, all you need is to look carefully into a person's eyes, to know how much sadness he carries.

4) Stress

My transition from army to work has been nightmarish. SAF and Mediacorp's culture are at the total opposite ends of culture, where work is concerned. One is regimented, one is unpredictable. One is non-communicative, one is extremely communicative. One is full of guys, one is just full of gals..... moreover, I didn't really want to leave SAF due to my attachment with that place...

sigh..

My eyes hurts, my mind hurts, heart aches, my muscle aches and my soul is weary... I just want to stop and scream: "DON'T PROMOTE ME!! DON'T PATH ME TO THE NEXT LEVEL!!" but I know that if I don't, I will never learn.

I must learn.

I am here to learn.

So with a heart of steel, I will endure everything and anything that can be thrown at me.

I WILL NOT LEAVE MEDIACORP WITHOUT TAKING THE UTMOST EXPERIENCE WITH ME!!!

I will make what a normal producer learns in one year, equivalent of ten years.

I will serve.

I will commit.

I will do my best.

I will try harder... one day, somebody will look and say, "good job!" and I know that I have something to add to my resume.

Madness.

Life is in chaos.

... Literally.

I havn't blogged for so long, I'm beginning to amaze myself.

3 things have been preoccupying my life endlessly, virtually causing me to have a "blog"-kage of information to write.

1) Work. - omgwtfgg (I will explain later)

2) World of Warcraft - Hammerbull.

3) Alvin

Firstly, work. Before I actually immerse myself completely in my work and forget completely how my past life has been, let me rant about the extreme changes that work has wrought on my life.

108 hour work week: Record ever. Seriously, even working at SPH in my heyday never amount up to so much.

You know, it would be much worth my effort and my soul if I could get something out of this.

So let me record what skill I would be honing:

A) Micromanagement and Macromanagement:

I realized that I have always been an extremely "single-focused" person my entire life. Give me 1 task, and I will do it magnificently for you. Give me 100, and I would probably die on the spot vomiting blood.

My job requires me to be on the ball at ALL times, during my average of 15 hours work day. Contracts, location requisition, artiste management, crew management and tens of other stuff to keep track at all times. All this WHILE ensuring that the director can get his/her shot correctly, the scene is done with all continuity etc.

B) Creativity

Unlike what many people think, I never really prided myself in my creativity. As much as I do not like to admit, I'm a robot (think: Erasmus), that tries to copy what is esteemed as perfect creativity.

The skill I lack is - Flare. a.k.a Artistic Flare.

To rise up in my industry, you NEED to have this crazy, unstable thing called artistic flare. Entire scenes can change to a beautiful new creation with just a tilt, an out-of-box thinking to massive logistic nightmares.

C) Endurance

So far, endurance seem to be the ultimate key to success at the initial stage. To cope with the long hours, you must forfeit so many things you love and enjoy. However, that does not mean you lose the things you love, but rather you have to create stuff that you enjoy in your work.

... well.. Things I enjoy in my work would probably be mingling with the artistes and directors and understanding their point of view. Even if it is albeit conflicting.

No OT, no off days, no leave (yet: till January). Some people would rather quit on the spot then endure such a nonsensical exploit.

BUT I WILL ENDURE. =)

At least to prove to myself that I can do it.

Army seems like a piece of cake compared to this. Yet the amount of satisfaction you get when you finish a day of work is unparalleled.

Next:

World of Warcraft

Seriously. I think I'm getting addicted to this game. Which is really bad. I don't normally play games that last so long.

It really does have a fantastic game play, storyline and interface. All which combines to make exactly what my prediction in my research paper for MMORPG - The Future of Gaming come true.

- An extremely detailed and well created world

- An economy that is bustling with thousands of items trading every second

- An open communication between administrators and players

- An ever changing culture-scape

- An ever changing timeline

All these were my prerequisites in creating a perfect game.

Well. I didn't really had to look really far. World of Warcraft is there.

But then again. Despite my cautionary advise against getting hooked on that game, here I am playing my balls off.

NB.

Next:

Alvin

Relationship is getting kinda strained. Work is taking an immense toll, and his examination stress doesn't put him in the best of moods either.

I wish things could be better, but my mood has become a lot more volatile and unstable.

... in fact many people has noticed it too.

But I still spend as much free time as I can spare to go out with him.

... I really dunno... Is this working out?

My words tend to sharpen when talking to him.. to the point of cuttingly vicious just to end the conversation.

I'm just really so tired I don't want to talk sometimes. But I know I have to because he will get all moody and stuff.

There are times I just feel like I've wasted hours talking just to pacify him and stop talking.

Maybe I'm still not suitable for a relationship.

Almost every time we talk, it's an argument.

Almost every time we meet, it's a cold war.

Almost every time we argue, it ends up making everything shitty.

I don't recall myself being like this.

Seriously..

Pride, arrogance, complacency, sarcasm, violence... all these are traits that I hate, but why am I showing them to him?

... i've lost my sense of self even.

Sometimes I just want to go into isolation to seal myself out from everything.

But he would do something stupid. I know.

When was the last time I ever felt so unsure?... probably never.

My life is in turmoil.

I just feel so stupid.

.............. I don't even know why I'm doing this.

Army: The Closure of Another Chapter

And thus, I end my life in the army, with really, really memorable times and experiences...
*tears*

So many things to say, so little space to write...
haha...

I dreamed of becoming an officer, of being respected and getting acknowledged for the effort I put in... but that never happened.
Instead, I was given the craziest, happiest, most stressful life ever...

Nothing, nothing I would ever trade for...

I was given a place to change, a place to call my own... Running CSTH was no mean feat, given the condition it was handed over... But bit by bit, every effort made the mark, and people's hearts changed...

I'm so, so going to miss the times I spent over there.. Even in the last few weeks, I could not bring myself to leave the office for my half-day leaves... (which I incidentally took so I could 1) use the gym, 2) finish the documents for my under study)

There will always be the people in my heart who will remain, the five generations of AVA:

1st Gen (The Legends)
- Ryan
- Suzuki
- Ben Lim
- Elden
- Yao Qing
- Hock Lai
- Andy Koh

2nd Gen
- Leighton
- Raymond
- Zhong Da
- Me!

3rd Gen
- Pritampal
- Andy Tan
- Javier (Exam IC)
- Eric (currently in EP)
- Bryner
- Kesavan

4th Gen
- Joshua
- Teck Sing
- Jia Tong
- Kavin
- Ben

5th Gen
- Peter
- Ian Russell
- Wan Tong

Haha... I doubt most of them would read my blog, but I still would like to thank each and everyone of them for giving me back my life in the army.

No. Unlike what most people who are released from the SAF think,
I do not think that I wasted my time in the army.

I made friends with the most craziest, unimaginably, boisterous, rowdy, street-smart, bunch of people ever.
They opened my eyes to what another side of life is like.

Friends?

Haha... I don't think so. They're pretty much almost like brudders to me already. =)



Finally, I shall summarize my entire army life into a complete time line:

15/09/07
Enlisted for BMT, Hawk Coy, Section 2, Platoon 4
Thank You!
- Eugene Chieng (My bed buddy)
- Ronald (Super funny and encouraging guy)
- Nicholas Lim (The optimist)
- Bernard (The hardworking giant)
- Kelvin (Sunshine boy!)
- Chris (Super talketive, little guy)

14/12/07
PoP-ed, Tekong Medical Centre created a huge uproar over my glycosuria. Was down pes-ed to pes D (temporary).
Command school was denied.

20/12/07
Was told to report at SAFAC training school. Didn't even know what was SAFAC. Little did I know, it was going to be one of the most eye-opening times of my life.

01/12/08
My life at SAFAC training school begins. Super memorable times, with much joy, laughter, teasing and friendship.
Thank You!
- Daryl Lee
- Daryl Yeo
- KC
- Wilfred
- Julian
- Xavier
- Favian

01/04/08

On job training at a highly classified base begins... My eyes are opened to really crazy stuff. It's really an unbelievable world out there. Met many people, some people who just didn't like me for who I was. Nonetheless, I did my best, learnt as much as I could.... for a short while.

28/04/08

MMI delivered a report saying that I was combat unfit. I couldn't believe my eyes when I was subsequently to be posted out to a signal unit. Everybody said Stagmont Camp = Slack-mont Camp. I couldn't imagine how much better life could be, being in a military institute.

01/05/08

I thought I died and went to heaven.

... haha.. seriously. Life was good enough to make me think that maybe there are some softer sides to the army after all.

I had independent will to chart, organize and manage my own rooms, my own computers, my own books. I truly put in my heart and soul to something I thought I could finally call my own achievement if I put in my best.

Stagmont camp was to hold some of the best memories of my army experience ever.

01/08/08

Reversal of roles. Suddenly, the old made way for the new, and more then three-quarters of my seniors ORDed. I was caught really unprepared. I had to take on the role of the IC for my institute as the first IC decided to give up his place for a smoother path.

Life became quite hellish for a few months.

But complain as I might, I never ever lost my gratitude to God for giving me such a great place to work in.

14/08/09

ORD.

I damm hell left a lot of precious memories behind in the Army. And no. I left army with a full experience that no where, work, study or play could ever give me.

The good times, where I could doze off in an air conditioned room, without the fear of work incomplete. Where I could laugh my balls off at the lame jokes that some dicks put on the army intranet...

.. where when I almost fell down with my full field pack because I was so tired, if not for my buddy who pulled me up..

.. where my bunk mates all ran to carry my legs just to "cheat" that one more pull up so that I could win another platoon mate in the number of pull ups ..

.. where we sat and crapped and complained about the horrid sealed rations that we were provided, especially Chicken Dumplings and Ponteh Rice.

The bad times, where I was slammed with so much work I had to stay overnight 2 days in a row just to man and operate the system when everybody was on holiday. Where the office was silent and empty, everybody gone to do their orders.

... where I felt that I could not go on, and prayed till I cried in my bashar tent...

... where some of my colleagues found out my darkest secret and decided to announce it to the whole world...

... where I saw OCS fall just out of my grasp, when it was one of my biggest dreams.

haha... I can't believe I'm crying writing this.

The Army, as much as I would not like to say it, played a bigger role in changing me then many other places.

I love my army life.

And thus begins my life at Mediacorp. This time, it won't be just 2 years I reckon. The trials through fire in Army will seem like a breeze compared to this if rumors serve me well.

I may not be able to blog so much because of work anymore. But hopefully, the memory of this blog will keep me coming back to record my new phase...

With this, I close another chapter in my life.

Claire Kuo - 不藥而癒

I waited for you till the winter
Till the snow clouded my eyes
I tried to turn back, to look for our love
to look for how we first met

Instead, you put on your coat
While my heart froze further
If I gave up on this love first
Will my heartache ever heal?

Looking at the sadness that could never be healed
I believed in that your strength could take us through
I thought, we agreed it would be like a holiday
But why do I feel so lonely and cold inside?

Looking at the sadness heal so slowly
I am determined to comfort myself;
I would rather believe you changed your mind suddenly
And went to another beautiful town
Waiting for me to find you again

Did you remember I said my field camp was tough?
Haha. This is pure evidence.

Picture taken on the day after Hawk Coy, Sept-Dec 07' Field Camp

Fate decides who walks into your life;
Yet you are the one decide who stays,
who you allow to walk away and
who you refuse to let leave you.
- 3SG Wei Xing

After midnight, took two young men from East coast to Bt Merah. They had apparently just finished their late supper, as they carried a thick smell of food into the car. They both looked to be in their early twenties. One was slightly older than the other.

The older boy was playing a PSP using his both hands while talked absently with the younger one, mostly about his games. He seemed to know a great deal about electronic games and, while kept playing the gadget in his hands, went through what he liked and disliked among a variety of games. Game design, graphics, level of difficulty, all flowed out of him so effortlessly like a stream running down a hill. I couldn’t help being amazed at how much time some kids spend on these things nowadays.

The younger boy, on the other hand, appeared to be less tech-savvy. Most of the time, he just listened. When he did speak, he spoke softly and carefully. Somewhere between the monologues of the game boy, he asked, “how come you know so much about these things?”

“Because I am interested in them,” the game boy said, with eyes still glued to the bright-screened machine.

“Are you interested in me?” the younger boy asked, gingerly.

“No,” the other answered immediately. “I am not interested in you.”

After a short moment of quietness, the game boy resumed his natural rate of flow of words. “You should try this game. It is really good. It takes the graphics to a whole new level…..”

The other boy continued to be an attentive listener and occasionally asked short questions in his usual soft voice.

As if nothing had happened.

At the destination, they said goodnight to each other and parted company.

For a moment, I felt a hint of sadness for the younger boy. I couldn’t place a reason, though.

http://taxidiary.blogspot.com/

Even an outsider understands.

My Home

What makes me Singaporean:

1) I grew up in Singapore

2) I studied in a neighbourhood primary school and a neighbourhood secondary school

3) I have watched NDP in one way or another, every single year of my life

4) I get an electric thrill down my spine when I hear some national day songs

5) I have better grades in English then Chinese

6) I am a member of a Resident's Commitee

7) I speak English primarily, but listen to more Chinese songs

8) I loved to watch Holland Village (Channel 8 Drama Serial)

9) I served (almost finish!) in National Service to my best ability, albeit reluctantly.

10) I absolutely love eating

a. Durians

b. Char Kway Teow

c. Mee Goreng

d. Roti Prata

e. Hainenese Chicken Rice

f. Bread Talk Chilli Floss Buns

g. Chilli Crab and Black Pepper Crab

11) I have a mum who can speak 11 different regional dialects fluently

12) I attend a Church situated next to an old streetside Chinese Temple

13) I've taken MRT or SBS/SMRT buses all my life

14) I go to Sentosa's Siloso beach as my routine beach-love affair

15) I get most of my groceries from NTUC

haha... okok.. I think I've got plenty I can imagine.

Let see...

What am I not Singaporean about?

... I am proud to be a Singaporean

Seriously, there are not many people I know who actually would reply with a postive yes if I ask them if they are proud to be a Singaporean.

I am really proud to be a Singaporean. This country gave me education, health, a stable home, without fear of war, terrorism, disease or natural disasters.

how many countries can claim that?

I love my country... =)

I love the stablity she provides, the promise of security, both economically, psychologically, military and even spirtually.

The gentle promise that if you work hard, you will get the chance to see your dreams.

Do you love Singapore?

I do.

Who says that the word "proud" cannot be used to describe affiliaty with country?

It is not true that we did not choose to be Singaporeans.

For all the things that you do, are you not one?

I am a Singaporean, and despite the flaws and cracks that my country has, I still love her.

That is another facet of my love.

Eviscerating Despondency

I decided to erase my previous entry...
haha... =)

I think it's not worth putting painful memories on my blog. Life should always be a happy experience. - Not always happy, per se; but rather, release the painful memories into an all encompassing ocean of self committed freedom.

Why be bounded by invisible chains that you create yourself?

*grins*

Poofy shit. My parents have been away since last friday, and are probably coming back tmr night. Darn. My last night being able to sleep on the uber large guest bed without them roaring me awake in the wee hours of the morning.

One of my ccolleagues ORD-ed today. His happiness was kinda infectious. =)
I couldn't even help but be happy even though so many frigging horrid things happen the day when I wasn't around.
Even the nasty DXO was laughing when he was reading about another of my colleague who just got sent to DB earlier that morning.
(author's bite: Not that he isn't nasty still. His smile, normally a terrible crocodile's leer was weirdly different)

Felt really light.

Like a super heavy burden was lifted off my back.
.. the wonders of a smile eh?

"Laugh, like you truly mean it. Let your eyes sparkle, your heart leap, your fingers dance, your feet spright and your mind let go... More then just being free, you dissolve gloominess around... everywhere."

Somebody commented that I had a great physique.
- Lol. Maybe that made my day.
I think I was grinning myself silly. It has taken me quite some time to get to where I am. And I don't even think I'm halfway there yet. - but.... almost, almost reaching the next rung.

Thanks!

I feel very light. Did I mention I feel very light?

The one month is up.
At least I say it is.

I BREAK THIS YEAR'S CURSE.

hahahahahaha.... xD
riddikulus! ~ RAWR!!

I've finished the TAG magazine, better then ever, faster then ever and the team is responding with insane efficiency!

I've been awarded a FOUR SEMESTER advanced standing in Queensland University of Technology, which means I only have to do one year of Bachelor Studies to get my Degree!

I'm almost finished with my Professional in HR Examination, despite it being so tough in the beginning!

I'm broke, but I've got a person who doesn't care if I don't take him to air cond places to eat! And likes my cooking!

I'm going to get one more new student to teach synthesizer to! Which means alot to me.

I'm handing over my entire work to my understudy!

I got a really neat watch from Xiao Wei mei mei which is far lighter then my previous watch! (incidentally, it is Timex'"Ironman" - *cough* which probably means I'm expected to live up to that watch's reputation... haha! I'll do it!)

I've got a new colleague whom I can talk to! - about EVERYTHING. =)


Lets see.... haha.. and this is just this month alone.



Well.. I'm leaving my past behind. And I will not return to it. - ever again.
But I'm going to create a blazing future.

One with nothing to regret.
One with nothing to look back, and wish it were different.

I'm there already.

I'm going to get there.





It's in the face of abject misery when one finds a flicker of light, a quest for hope that will never fail...
Goodbye, terrible, terrible year. =)

Impasse.

I'm sitting in the office, on my swivel chair... at my desk...
It's messy, but I'm ok.

I think a guy's desk should be messy.. =P It shows that he isn't idling his life away...

It's really quiet here. Uber quiet. The trainees are asleep, all you hear is the low humming of the air conditioner. It's quiet tranquil actually.

Makes you think.

I've been thinking alot recently, which explains so many posts on my blog. People force me to think, even though I much prefer dreaming. Then again, nobody can dream for long without having to wake up to the nightmare which is reality.

Recently, I watched this show called, "Prayers for Bobby".
It's a show that really hits hard at what people actually believe, and it hits home to me.

It's about a boy called Bobby, who was brought up in a staunch christian family.
He goes to church, trusts in God in everything, believe with all his heart that what his preacher says is true.
He tried to live a normal life, tried to do everything as good and pleasing as God commanded in the bible. But he never really had the option to do everything as God commanded him to - he was gay.

He hated himself for being gay.
He forced himself to try to conform to what the church and his family sees as straight.
But in the end, he found himself sliding down a slippery slope.
He tried to turn to God and ask Him for help, "why would I choose the life which would tear apart the happiness of the people I love?".

God never answered that particular prayer.

Distraught and disillusioned, he tried to commit suicide. The first time he lost the courage to and his brother, thinking it would help him, told his problem to his mum who was a staunch christian. His mum, like most staunch christians, kept telling him it was a damnable sin, and that he would go to hell if he continued to be that way, because the bible said so.

In her ferver and belief that prayer could change her son, she kept on praying, day after day, and sought help after help.

Each "help" chipped away at her son's self-esteem, and soon Bobby begun questioning if his mum really loved him or was she doing it for her own sake.

Bobby's cousin who was more open minded had this in respond to, "Love the sinner, not the sin." - it was, "Love the person, whatever the sin."

Bobby tried to the end to trust in God again, but word after word roared out condemnation. He lost faith, he felt that he lost his family, and when the person he loved seemingly cheated on him, he felt he lost his heart.

The second time he attempted to commit suicide didn't fail.
...


I really cried very hard when I watched that show.
It's not that my family doesn't care. They care alot. But deep down, I know, they'll never ever accept me for who I am...
... God doesn't answer my questions to this topic, and he is always serenely calm whenever this topic is brought up.
... unlike almost every other request and questions I get.

Why?

My dad always compared me to his childhood condition which ravaged his legs.
He said, "I kept asking God why He did this to me. Why He gave me this condition, but in the end, it was the condition that led me to who I am today, and why I never gave up despite tough circumstances."

... I never ever told him that it was not a valid point, albeit slightly relevent.

If his illness was one which the bible said, "As one has polio (the illness), one must be cleansed or he will have a place reserved in hell."

then that would be appropriate. But no! That is not the case!

Homosexuality cannot be compared to an illness, at least for a Christian debate, because there is no illness in the bible that leads a person to hell!

...

I really am at an impasse here...

No one can answer my questions properly, and no one feels like they have the authority to.

If the bible is the only source I can turn to, then I'm condemned.
If the Holy Spirit should guide me, then He's silent.

...

I think Christians who seriously are against homosexuals totally, should take a look at the film "Prayers for Bobby". Then reconsider this - "Whenever you say a prayer, a child is listening."

Happy Father's Day

A father is a person who is forced to endure childbirth without an anesthetic. He growls when he feels good and laughs very loud when he is scared half-to-death.

A father never feels entirely worthy of the worship in a child's eyes.
He is never quite the hero his daughter thinks . . . Never quite the man his son believes him to be. And this worries him sometimes. (So he works too hard to try to smooth the rough places in the road of those of his own who will follow him.)

A father is a person who goes to war sometimes . . . and would run the other way except that war is part of his only important job in his life, (which is making the world better for his child than it has been for him.)

Fathers grow older faster than people, because they, in other wars, have to stand at the train station and wave goodbye to the uniform that climbs on board.
And, while mothers cry where it shows, fathers stand and beam . . .outside . . . and die inside.

Fathers are men who give daughters away to other men, who aren't nearly good enough, so that they can have children that are smarter than anybody's.

Fathers fight dragons almost daily. They hurry away from the breakfast table, off to the arena which is sometimes called an office or a workshop. There, with callused hands, they tackle the dragon with three heads; Weariness, Works, and Monotony. And they never quite win the fight, but they never give up.

Knights in shining armor; fathers in shiny trousers: There's little difference as they march away each workday.

I don't know where father goes when he dies, but I've an idea that, after a good rest, wherever it is, he won't just sit on a cloud and wait for the kid he's loved and the children they have. He'll be busy there too . . . repairing the stars, oiling the gates, improving the streets, smoothing the way.

Scribbled by ANDREW at 9/14/2007 03:19:00 PM

Its funny, when everything falls to pieces around you, you know love is there.
Seeking, finding, waiting and holding.
Thru all odds, waiting for the day of return.

I'll return, stronger then ever.
More capable of taking care of you then ever.

Wait for me, my love, my heart.
For even when the sun and the moon perish.
Our love will illuminate life itself...

I failed.. I really failed...
*cries*

Nervous Breakdown..

Am I imagining hurt?... I wonder...

My temper in the recent days is getting from bad to worse... I snap at everybody, I snap at everything... I even snap at my own self...

I have always tried to profile my character into list-able points, so that I can work at it, and stop myself when things get to messy.. My family especially knows my weakness very well, and have even seen terrible things that i did...

... maybe what he said yesterday was correct. Maybe what he said yesterday was so correct that he struck a multitude of raw nerves within me that hurt so badly.

Like the saying goes, "Fact is stranger then fiction, and more often then not, the truth hurts far more."

Yeah, I guess you're right. As I reflect more, even though I do not understand your reasons for bringing it up and forcing me to reflect, - you're right.

I do not have many close friends, and all the people that were close to me always felt that I am distant. I'm too distant to understand, to comprehend.
It's like a mental cage I put around myself.

Even to this day, I still struggle to look at people in the eye. Because as a kid, I was told that I had eyes which could murder people.
My bros would ask me to avert my eyes from my dad last time when he was punishing us because he would end up giving all three of us additional punishment when he locks eyes with me...

I never had much close friends, because I always felt that I should never reveal my weaknesses. What was the point? For them to comfort me? For them to burden themselves with a liability that they cannot shake themselves free off?

I always strive never to be a liability to people. I would rather disappear then allow myself to be a burden to somebody or a group. I hate the feeling of helplessness... When I need people, it becomes a burden to me.

I've told many people that one of my strongest beliefs in life is that when someone does good for you, you must return it back tenfold.
But there are some things that are totally unmeasurable in quantity...

How do you measure love?

How do you measure the times when he hugs you, ruffles your hair and give you an Eskimo kiss?

How do you measure a thousand stars folded with every bit of love he had, even though he is so busy?

How do you... measure the amount of tears he cried when you walked away?...

Some things are immeasurable, that's why when people say that, "gosh... why did you buy something so expensive?"...
is money something that make affection, emotion, sentiments, loyalty and love quantifiable?

I don't have many friends.

Because to me close friends are a burden. Not because they did anything wrong, but simply because they are beautiful chains.
They support you when you fall, they're there to hold you back when you're about to do something silly, they hold on to you because as you are chained to them, they are chained to you.

I don't have many friends.

... you're right.



That's what hurts so bad...

A Can of Worms.

I wonder. How far would a person push to get his way?
To justify his hate?
To nullify his emotions?

Alvin. You really, really, really pissed me off today. And the fact that I am writing it on my blog means I was REALLY pissed.

All your statements, ALL your comments, ALL your opinions were absolutely unnecessary, yet you kept stomping on grounds that were not even yours.
Something inside me broke.

Once, twice was ok. I understood. But after so many times, it does not make logical sense.

You want me to be your enemy?

What do you gain out of making those scathing comments about me?

You say you don't hate me, but I only see otherwise.

What is wrong with you?

Seriously?


Your emotions are all that matter is it?
So that you can justify, and fill your heart with hate isn't it?
So that you can edify yourself and convince yourself that "yes, he is as nasty as I thought he is."

You're happy now?

I havn't spoken so spitefully for so long.

You think you know everybody around you. You justify your knowledge of our mutual friends to thumb me down.
Is "our mutual friends" all the friends that I have.

sorry. I have far more friends then that.

A conversation that started out with well meaning ON MY SIDE, was mutilated, twisted and warped into a horrendous spit fighting the likes I havn't seen for years.









I told you halfway through the conversation that each word is a stab wound which you CANNOT heal once you say it.
It leaves a scar, in the place where your position as "friend" was.


whatever it is, you won the battle.

I really don't care about you, and I don't know you anymore.

I don't want to know you anymore.

It is people like you which fill the world with spite and hate.

People like you who only think of yourself before typing out the words to stab another.



I can't get the conversation out of my head.
I tried.



You really fucked me up big time.

Updates and Handphones

jeez. It's been a real damn long time since I last blogged.
I've got so many things on my mind, I've hardly had time to organize my thoughts.

Well... I realized that many of my colleagues read my blog, so I better be careful whatever I post. haha.. right Pree and Andy?

Anywayz, what triggered me to write this post is my annoyance over mobile phones.

WHY ON EARTH ARE THEY GETTING SO SLOW?

I think I sms less then a hundred sms-es a month, almost totally due to the fact that nowadays, handphone messaging is such a tedious task.
All along, just merely messaging a full text message with maximum characters involved would take me at the most 20 seconds.
NOW, for me to that, I think it would take me about 12o seconds.

Disgusting!

Arrgh... Isn't mobile phone technology suppose to improve with time, instead of decreasing efficiency and causing such terrible problems?

You have MP3 players, WiFi, Gaming and Video phones, Camera phones and even waterproof phones.
Yes, you have all this functions. But for what shit when the most basic necessities that make a handphone a HANDPHONE is compromised?

Reception has not improved over the years, short messaging systems are getting more tedious to send.
We might as well use a laptop?

Nah beh.
Really very irritating.

Want to send a proper sms also so difficult.

Grrr...

Well.... on a 2nd note, update on my life!

Pretty much enjoying singlehood now. No restraints, no commitments... I realized that I've lots more time and lots more money for everything!
... not that my stress level has decreased...

I'm going to ORD in another 3 more months, yet I don't have an upper study, and my boss is going berzerk. - again.
Sometimes, I wonder if I should just kick back my shoes.. erm. I mean GoreTex Boots, absorb the ORD-ing atmostphere along with all those who are going to ORD along with me and just laze around.

Haha... I'll just throw all my jobs to another person.

Only thing is that person would probably hate me for that.


3rd Note:

My birthday was awesome.
no. My birthDAYS were awesome.
I'm seriously wondering why on earth my 22nd birthday was celebrated more then my 21st birthdays..

haha.... It's frigging great anywayz..
Thank you EVERYBODY for EVERYTHING!!

=)

4th Note:

There is something that is really bugging me about this whole AWARE saga.

I'll blog about it another day..





*grins*
Life is great.

haha.....
I just teared a bit when I saw this poster...

A Broken Piece.

There are some things in life where you get one chance at it.. and if you don't grab it, it's gone forever...
I think, I've encountered so many of that in my life, I wonder, if I grabbed it, what would my life be like now?

I really made a hell lot of mistakes in life, mistakes that I'm paying for dearly now.

I wish I never did certain things I did, but I can't really be sure I would be better off elsewise....



That nagging feeling in you that your potential is utterly wasted?
The sad feeling inside you that nobody will ever really understand...
Even if you have a flaming passion for it, nobody will really understand...

I'm not contented to be "men" (in army terms, anything that isn't a specialist or an officer)... but because of fear of losing something that was temporary dear to me, I gave up that only chance...

Till now, I really believe I could have been an officer.

People always ask.. "What's the big deal about being an officer?", "It's only just one bar on the shoulder!"
No.
Its the experience that I will never be able to face...
It's the untapped zeal that I'll never be able to prove...
It's the fact that I really hate losing.

I hate losing.

I hate losing to the point of insanity.

I lost this battle called National Service. All because I did something without thinking.

BECAUSE I FOLLOWED MY HEART INSTEAD OF MY HEAD.

Illogical reasoning.

Spastic incoherent emotions.

I should strip myself of all these irrelevant feelings...

I really hate myself for being such a weak person...


i really, really, really, really wanna be an officer...

but that chance has flown away, like so many other chances that were given to me.

....

sometimes.... just sometimes... I'll dream that I went through hell, fire, wind and waves to get the epaulet, when people do understand.
when they see, they'll know...

then I'll wake up... and I'll just hate myself for missing that chance I'll never get again..







... *cries*

Birthday Conclusions!

Gosh... I can't believe I'm 22 already. Jeez.. freaking old.
That means my time left to do alot of things that I want is running out - no thanks to NS wasting my time away.

Haha.. anyway, would like to thank everybody who remembered my birthday and especially those who even bought presents!
xD

I loove presents... =)

This is what I got for my birthday -
1) A HUGE sum of money from my mum and my dad... ok.. not really huge, but its the thought that counts really!

2) An extremely high fidelity Shure In-Ear Headphones that uber rocks. Now I can listen to music on the train without having to strain my ears or blast my iPod to the max.
~ Thanks to the 88 Queendom!

3) A really nice silver-grey Zinc Backpack. Haha.. have been waiting for an opportunity to get one for months, since my last backpack was spoilt.
~ Thanks RJ, XW Mei Mei, Clara and (I'm not really sure who else got it for me... haha.. but thanks!)

4) A pair of ORANGE AND BLACK Nike Training Gloves, top of the range and definitely one of the coolest looking training gloves I've ever seen!
~ Thanks to Brenton!

5) A Canvas belt by FreshBox! Finally! After three years of using the same belt!
~ Thanks to Alvin Leong!

6) A pair of lime green earphones! Totally awesome, the type I'd bring to the beach while I suntan.. x)
~ Thanks to Michelle, Candice and Jennifer!

7) An oreo cheesecake birthday cake and a cool looking personalized shirt with ASH!
~ Thanks to Simon and Haryanto! ASH Rulez!

8) A collector's edition Magic the Gathering, From the Vault Dragons set
~ Thanks to Alvin Yong!

9) The exact Blue GNC Bottle that I was wanting to grab! Ok, I thought there would be the shaker ball inside, but it still looks fantastic!
~ Thanks to Victor! (OKAY! YOUR DEBT DESTROYING MY PREVIOUS BOTTLE WITH A SOCCER BALL IS REPAID! xD)

10) A pair of Calvin Klein Jeans, a Giorgio Armani Belt and a whole lot of other stuffs!
~ Thanks to Nicholas! (haha.... don't tell anyone how you got it xD)

11) A piggy-pillow-speaker that can blast music without having to plug into a power extension.
~ Thanks to Lester!

12) A shirt (I havn't actually gotten it yet! haha)
~ Thanks to Cedric!

And of course, many people who celebrated my birthday for me!! All the surprise parties and the amount of people was really quite shocking..

Lol

=)

Love you guys...

As you grow older, you learn a hell lot of lessons along the way... Some people grow up faster then others, some still cling fast to their childish ways.
But we all must grow up one day.
And when we do, we'll look back at the time, when we laughed and we play.
With a sad smile.

Where has the little kid gone?
Where has all the noncommitted laughter
the safety of being a child...

You wake up now,
No longer with "what am I going to do today"
But with a long list of schedules, appointments
work, and work commitments

Sigh.. I'm all grown up now.
But deep inside, a caged child weeps.
And carefully, but surely, if you looked deep into my eyes
You'd see a glimmer of a once carefree existence
Waving back to you.


=/
emo.
=/
emoing.
=/
ok. emoed.

I've been on my cutting phase for about 2 months now, and my weight has dropped from 68kg down to 62 kg.
Massive muscle loss, water weight loss and fat loss. But still not enough yet.
Damm it.
Currently stuck at 14.8% Body Fat percentage.
I need to hit at least a 13% before I can gradually go on another month of bulking.

My standard routine per week now would be
Monday - Biceps, Core, Deltoids + 30 mins Intense/Moderate Cardio

Tuesday - Chest, Legs, Lats, Traps

Wednesday - Shoulders, Traps, Lats, Triceps, Core + 30 mins Intense/Moderate Cardio

Thursday - Rest

Friday - Chest, Core, Deltoids + 45 mins Moderate Cardio

Saturday - Rest or 1 hour swim/Moderate Cardio based sport

Sunday - Rest or 1 hour swim

Yup, this is my standard cutting routine, albeit gravitating a bit more towards the cardio side...
sigh...

Also involved in a frigging lot of stuff currently
- SMC Band, Main
- SMC Band, Youth
- TAG Publications
- Trevvy Youth Facilitator
- Freelancing Posters for Companies

Haha... but this is still very little compared to what I was loaded with about 6 months ago..

=X

i miss you so much...

... it's just so lonely without you here anymore...

*cries*

you belong here, in my heart...
not alone, out in the wind....

it hurts... terribly..

I am dying inside.......

Birthday Wishes!

Nowadays, I have no idea what to write, or even post about... sigh..

Anyway, its my 22nd birthday soon!

.............
...

=/ I'm getting really, really very old...

Umm... Well... People have been bugging me and asking what I would want as a birthday present...
You know, normally I wouldn't really say anything... Cause I believe that if I say what I want it'll be less meaningful..
But come to think of it, I understand the pain of raking up the mind for something to buy for the other person's birthday... haha...

okok. so... umm... to make this not as obnoxious as possible, this are some of my birthday wishes!

1) A new bagpack, preferably a more sporty design! One that I can use for cycling, running or bringing to the gym.
- Incidentally, I still find it really weird to carry a sling bag.... despite carrying my adidas sling bag for so long...

2) A canvas/casual wear belt! I think I've been wearing my white canvas belt for too long.. almost 5 years to be exact...

3) A new pair of durable training gloves! Not that I don't like my old one, I need to cycle between those I put in the wash and those I wear right?... lol

4) A good shaker bottle, easy to wash and decent capacity! haha.. *hint hint* *I like the blue one at GNC!*

5) A good pair of in-ear, earphones... Unfortunately, I expect it to spoilt very fast... It's like the tradition for all my earphones to go *pffft* after a few months.. sigh..

6) A synth.....*cough* .. esi *sneeze* ... zer.... lol.. No lah, I'm just kidding.. it's way beyond the budget anybody would get for a birthday present... But it has been on my wishlist for like forever.

7) A portable hard disk... hahahah... I still havn't gotten one after so long.




lol.. basically I'd really REALLY appreciate everything... coz its from the heart!

*BIG BIG SMILE* hahaha

我好笨
我真的好笨...

Emo_Baby!

haha... this photo is classic.
Dug up from one of my ancient photo collections...

.. no recollection of anything though...

Gym Freaks.

I'm probably in a severe blogging downtime.
I really can't believe my interval between my proper blog postings are so far apart, considering that I would actually post virtually everyday in the past.

Life is... well.. frankly speaking, better nowadays.

Stress is somewhat the thing of the past, my boss wants me to clear my off ASAP, lest I accumulate and disappear for an entire month.
But I really hate it when he dictates the day which I must clear my off. (i.e. Thursday Friday or Monday Tuesday).
I know he has good intentions when he wants me to have an ultra long weekend, but I hate taking Fridays or Mondays off.

There are so many things that would happen if i do so..
- Monday/Friday is the day most people take MC or off. Its when my department has the least manpower.
- Monday is the start of the administrative week, which means lots of stuff needs to be done before the training begins.
- Friday is the end of the training week, which means lots of instructors will be cramping their lessons towards the end of the week.

and most importantly

Monday and Friday are my regimented gym/running routine days!

sigh..

.....

People always tell me they can't understand why I like gymming so much.
to them, its boring, repetitive and a waste of time.
I think I understand.. coz I started out with a blank canvas as well.

This is the reason why I love the gym:
1) I love the smell. Don't ask me why. All gyms have a metallic, sports-fresh type of smell that I can't get enough of.
2) I love the feeling when I switch from one lighter weight to another which I have never been able to do.
3) I love the jaw clenching, heart-thumping adrenal effect when I strain to lift my maximum effort.
4) I love the feeling after that.
5) I love the ability to feel good, that I have came such a long way from nothing to at least a reasonable something.

The same people also say - gymming is not a sport wad. Why don't you engage yourself in some sports?
(apart from the fact that I DO play soccer, basketball and swim competitively.)
My main sport that I love is NOT soccer or basketball *grins*, nor is it gymming.
its... *hold my breath*

... bodybuilding.

Then they go *gasp* "omg!" "freak!!!*... and.. "that's not even a sport!"
.... what really defines a sport?

"Sport is commonly defined as an organized, competitive and skillful physical activity requiring commitment and fair play. " - Wikipedia

Organized - Yes, it has a group of people with a common view and goal in mind. They are all reaching for the same objective.

Physically skillful - You say?

Competitive- Hell yeah! Its probably one of the most extremely competitive sport in the entire world! Unlike soccer or basketball where you versus the opponent's team, when you're in bodybuilding, you probably versus the entire world!

Commitment - Err. I think I emphasized that already. - Alot.

Fair Play - No steroids, no injections, no cheating, maintaining a clean and healthy diet. There are probably a ton of rules. - and you get kicked out if you break any. Fair?

sigh.

Dunno lah, I'm just sick of people calling my freak whenever I say that I wanna be a bodybuilder.
They think of injections, steroids, hormone replacement therapy, vascular enhancements and stuff.
- all which are actually banned from competitive bodybuilding actually.

in fact. I think I'm going to get a backlash when I post this also.

jeez. this is stupid.

.. I'm going to the gym. and imagine you being crushed under the 200 pound plates.

Thought Provoking Video by MCYS

I think this is one of the few video campaigns that have made me tear... I really think this is true, I've always shared exactly the same sentiments...

It is never about finding the perfect person. Because you can never find it.

It is finding the beautifully imperfect person, and making him or her

perfect.

gosh. this is freaky. I think I just had my entire character categorized and labeled completely.
and it is damn accurate. I think probably one of the most accurate tests I've ever done.

hmm... its 100 percent accurate, with no deviations from the description.
but apparantly, my career path doesn't seem to veer me towards that... Unless I become a personal trainer or something...

oh well..

http://www.personalitypage.com/ISFJ.html
http://www.personalitypage.com/ISFJ_rel.html
http://www.personalitypage.com/ISFJ_car.html

ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their "need to be needed." In extreme cases, this need is so strong that standard give-and-take relationships are deeply unsatisfying to them; however, most ISFJs find more than enough with which to occupy themselves within the framework of a normal life. (Since ISFJs, like all SJs, are very much bound by the prevailing social conventions, their form of "service" is likely to exclude any elements of moral or political controversy; they specialize in the local, the personal, and the practical.)

ISFJs are often unappreciated, at work, home, and play. Ironically, because they prove over and over that they can be relied on for their loyalty and unstinting, high-quality work, those around them often take them for granted--even take advantage of them. Admittedly, the problem is sometimes aggravated by the ISFJs themselves; for instance, they are notoriously bad at delegating ("If you want it done right, do it yourself"). And although they're hurt by being treated like doormats, they are often unwilling to toot their own horns about their accomplishments because they feel that although they deserve more credit than they're getting, it's somehow wrong to want any sort of reward for doing work (which is supposed to be a virtue in itself). (And as low-profile Is, their actions don't call attention to themselves as with charismatic Es.) Because of all of this, ISFJs are often overworked, and as a result may suffer from psychosomatic illnesses.

In the workplace, ISFJs are methodical and accurate workers, often with very good memories and unexpected analytic abilities; they are also good with people in small-group or one-on-one situations because of their patient and genuinely sympathetic approach to dealing with others. ISFJs make pleasant and reliable co-workers and exemplary employees, but tend to be harried and uncomfortable in supervisory roles. They are capable of forming strong loyalties, but these are personal rather than institutional loyalties; if someone they've bonded with in this way leaves the company, the ISFJ will leave with them, if given the option. Traditional careers for an ISFJ include: teaching, social work, most religious work, nursing, medicine (general practice only), clerical and and secretarial work of any kind, and some kinds of administrative careers.

While their work ethic is high on the ISFJ priority list, their families are the centers of their lives. ISFJs are extremely warm and demonstrative within the family circle--and often possessive of their loved ones, as well. When these include Es who want to socialize with the rest of the world, or self-contained ITs, the ISFJ must learn to adjust to these behaviors and not interpret them as rejection. Being SJs, they place a strong emphasis on conventional behavior (although, unlike STJs, they are usually as concerned with being "nice" as with strict propriety); if any of their nearest and dearest depart from the straight-and-narrow, it causes the ISFJ major embarrassment: the closer the relationship and the more public the act, the more intense the embarrassment (a fact which many of their teenage children take gleeful advantage of). Over time, however, ISFJs usually mellow, and learn to regard the culprits as harmless eccentrics :-). Needless to say, ISFJs take infinite trouble over meals, gifts, celebrations, etc., for their loved ones--although strong Js may tend to focus more on what the recipient should want rather than what they do want.

Like most Is, ISFJs have a few, close friends. They are extremely loyal to these, and are ready to provide emotional and practical support at a moment's notice. (However, like most Fs they hate confrontation; if you get into a fight, don't expect them to jump in after you. You can count on them, however, run and get the nearest authority figure.) Unlike with EPs, the older the friendship is, the more an ISFJ will value it. One ISFJ trait that is easily misunderstood by those who haven't known them long is that they are often unable to either hide or articulate any distress they may be feeling. For instance, an ISFJ child may be reproved for "sulking," the actual cause of which is a combination of physical illness plus misguided "good manners." An adult ISFJ may drive a (later ashamed) friend or SO into a fit of temper over the ISFJ's unexplained moodiness, only afterwards to explain about a death in the family they "didn't want to burden anyone with." Those close to ISFJs should learn to watch for the warning signs in these situations and take the initiative themselves to uncover the problem.

Jungian functional preference ordering:

Dominant: Introverted Sensing
Auxilliary: Extraverted Feeling
Tertiary: Introverted Thinking
Inferior: Extraverted Intuition

Andrew is BROKE!

another long period passes before I blog...
life is cooling down, and I'm finding it easier to cope..

Thanks everybody for standing by me even through these times...

Last week was a random party event that Gandy hosted.. heh.. was really great, people from previous generations of AVA and the current generation got to meet each other...

but... they still made me drunk.

zZz...

I seriously do not understand why my alcohol threshold is so low... I'm probably the person with the lowest alcohol tolerance among all my friends.

things I've actually gotten seriously drunk on:

1) e-"something" wine cooler from 7-11 (1 bottle)
2) Hooch, flavored vodka cooler from Waterbar (1/2 bottle)
3) 1 SHOT OF TEQUILLA.
4) Half a pint of beer from Brewerkz
5) Choya, half a glass (approx 100ml)
6) Red wine, half a cup

Yes.

I've gotten dead drunk over these stuff. With the Tequilla giving the worst hangover in my entire life.

Some people's DNA code calls for a different, less efficient acetaldehyde dehydrogenase. This leads to a buildup of acetaldehyde after alcohol consumption, causing the alcohol flush reaction with hangover-like symptoms such as flushing, nausea, and dizziness. These people are unable to drink much alcohol before feeling sick, and are therefore less susceptible to alcoholism.^[5][6]

apparently I'm in this category...
sigh...

Oh well. Luckily I become dead drunk...

...

shucks.. recently I've been spending waaaay too much money..

This 3 months critical expenditure blowouts-
1) $60+ on grocery expenditure
2) $300 on supplements (awaiting $200 from other friends)
3) $100 on protein and DHA/EPA
4) $75 top up on BBDC drivers account
5) $85 on Kayaking course
6) $36 on Newton's Life Run
7) $140 on birthday presents
8) $160 on a restaurant
9) $60 on another four restaurants

Total Expenditure: $1016
Income from SAF: $1200
Assets: $250

Total left over less criticals: $434
Monthly Bills:
i. Transport Bill (MRT): $50 x 3 $150
ii. Transport Bill (Bus): $20 x 3 $60
iii. Transport Bill (Taxi): $50
iv. Aesthetics Expenditure: $70

Total Bills: $330

Total left over less criticals and bills: $104

Income from "Company X": $60
Income from "Company Y": $100 + $10

Total Profit on a general scale : $274

Btw. That does not count the amount that I spend eating everyday, the random stuffs I buy from Daiso etc etc.

so.. per month..

sigh.

I'm really poor ain't I..

sobz



Reedited - 31 03 2009
author's note :

Total profit on general scale : $274
LESS : Loss of passport = $120
LESS : Repair specs = $50

Recalculated profit on general scale : $154

The End of Winter

and so it ends...
my mind is more blind then it has ever been.... and my heart really feels empty...

The person I love is gone forever... and we both agreed on it.

I feel like a killer with a contract - to kill myself...

*cries*

It suddenly feels so lonely.. so very cold out there..

I've spent almost a tenth of my entire life with him, and then its just "gone"..

all the hugs, finger wrestling, poking and cuddling...
all the ruffling of hair nose to nose kisses...
all the whispers of "i love you more then anything else" ...

most of the relationships i had ended on a bad note... but I think I'm at peace, knowing that we did the best for ourselves...


he says he will fade into the shadows... back to where he came from.
i will......
i don't know... it's just so sudden..

but i think its time. its finally time to get back with God.




my hibernation is over.

I think I'm sick of blogging.
Heh.

Never thought that day would come... I knew the time would come when I'll be really too busy to blog, and neglect my blog.. but this is really unprecedented..

... I'm actually too lazy too blog...

The pasts week have taken a pretty sever toll on me.. I think its pretty much like a grinding stone...
Even the weather is topsy turvy... first the meteorological station was proclaiming January to be the driest month in ten years, then God seems to say, "oops", then it starts to rain cats and dogs everyday...

... not that I really hate the rain.. it just disrupts many of my schedules...
coz most of my free times are spend either swimming or tanning... (stop sniggering), or at the gym.

People keep asking me if I'm still a Christian, especially after the recent incidents and stuffs that happened..
I've said it, and I'll say it a million times over.
"I believe in God - the Christian God, His Son - Jesus, and The Councellor - The Holy Spirit."

I am a Christian in that aspact,
but over the months, I've realized that "what God thinks is best for us" IS NOT what makes us happy.
He doesn't care whether we are happy (presently), but rather if
i. His ultimate Will is done
ii. What is for the greater good.

I've been discussing with.. umm... a person inside, and we've came to a weird conclusion...
If everybody asked God for what they think is best for them, the world would be in abject chaos.
i.e.
Person A asks : "God, please smite this horrible DXO for me, he makes my life terrible."
Person B asks : "God, why is this happening? I just want to make amends, but its too hard for me to do so."

God cannot do both, but he can offer a central solution - such as providing a situation where both can understand each other and maybe even become friends.
- but that being so, both parties may not appreciate the push towards this solution.

God does what He thinks is best. - Not what we thinks is best.

haha... sounds ridiculous to some people I bet, but this is what I believe in, and I am sure that even some Christians would oppose our thinking, but yup, thats the way it goes.





I can breathe easier now.

Happy birthday darling, you're 21 years old already.
stop behaving like a little kid all the time k?
or I'll keep pinching your cheeks and messing up your hair..

... I love you...

*hugs tight*

o.O

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Your view on yourself:

You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

2009's Resolutions.

Well, ironically - me being a Christian, it seems that my new year has started out on "Chinese New Year"... making 2008 one of the longest years I ever lived..

You know, everybody has a threshold. A limit which people can push, and beyond that... they just die - or run away for that matter.
Since I can't run away from SAF, my heart to serve the army has finally given up.

A thankless job is bad enough, but a thankless job where people berate you on a daily basis, spread false rumors about your department and look at your men with scorn. There's a limit.

Men's health wrote an article this week about "burnout". - exactly how my department is working now.


Anyway, as usual (but a little late), I have to make a list of resolutions that I plan to complete by the end of 2009.
sigh... sometimes life gives you pain, but if pain doesn't kill you - it can only make you stronger..

at least that's my idea I take with me to the gym everytime I step inside the arena.



TEN RESOLUTIONS. ONE OUTCOME : SUCCESS.

1) Save up for a true synthesizer/arranger, along with a sequencer.
Difficulty Rating : 8/10
The total cost for an arranger, a sequencer and of course the MIDI dongle that allows communication with PC would amount up to about $4000++ at least. This is the second step in my ultimate goal of cutting an album.
I'll have to save up at least 50% of my money every month, along with finding a freelance job outside to finance the requirement. The first step is to get the synth and the dongle at least.
Time Given - 1 year


2) Refresh my Grade 8 practical.
Difficulty Rating : 4/10
Its been almost 6 years since the time I finished my Grade 8. I think its about time to refresh it.
I'll have to find 3 grade 8 songs that sound nice (not easy!), and commit to finishing it in about 6 months.
Time Given - 6 months


3) Obtain my Car License.
Difficulty Rating : 3/10
I think I've procrastinated too long already, putting away the practical lessons due to monetary and time constraints. Its time to finish what I started long time ago.
I'll have to finance about $120 a month/4 lessons. Then I'll finish it in 3 months.
Time Given - 3 months


4) Obtain my Coporal First Class rank
Difficulty Rating : [0-10]/10
The difficulty rating being so high varies on the amount of commitment I want to allocate to my work. Now being 10/10 because of the utter lack of motivation and love for my work.
I need to find something to love in my work. For my ownself. The CFC rating is a forgone tribute for the ICs in my department. And of course, pass my frigging SBJ. (surprised?)
Time Given - 5 months

5) Decide if I want to continue studying or work, - and act on it.
Difficulty Rating : 7/10
Now that my portfolio is destroyed, I don't really have much to show any university... I don't even have much to show to any company that hires me. But like it or not, cruel life still goes on and I have to make one of the most important decisions in my life - to continue studying or start working.
If I choose to work, I need to find a company who will accept a video producer who will work freelance initially, then full time.
If I choose to go to university, I need to make a convincing report of my achievements, and I need to apply to many, many universities.
Time Given : 2 MONTHS

6) Take Alvin on a really long relaxing vacation.
Difficulty Rating : 5/10
I promised to go on a holiday with him last year, and I'm yet to fulfill that promise. This time I'll make it up twice. No shopping, no stress, no work - just pure relaxation; watching the rippling waves, setting sun and cool sea breeze; finding tasty food and just contemplating.
I'll need to wait for at last 3 months starting from February, when my dear will finally have finish his BMT, get inducted into his new unit and finally be able to clear his leave(s) or off(s).
It'll cost about $1000

7) Run at least 3 10km and above runs this year.
Difficulty Rating : 6/10
The difficulty is kinda high, because I plan to be able to run Army and Standard Chartered 21km at the end of this year. I can't really imagine how on earth am I going to do it, but I still wanna try. Thus I think I'll become much leaner by the end of this year as I'm concentrating on building endurance and definition this year.
I'll need to do my 1o km runs at least 5 times a month, on top of the standard weekly army runs. Quite tough, considering my abnormal schedule.
It'll cost about $70+


8) Get a clear answer from God - read: NOT HUMANS. About His stance on Homosexuality.
Difficulty Rating : [0-99]/10
It really depends if he wants to talk about it. If he wants to hold his silence, I'll never be able to find an answer too.
And no. I am not going to look to the Bible for answers. To me, the Bible is a book of chains that promise freedom. It is the LAW which describes the source of LIFE.
I'm going to ask him directly.
It can cost me my life.

9) Eliminate the last bit of scars from my face.
Difficulty Rating : 5/10
I think I'm kinda happy with the improvement on my face. Haha. Sounds stupid. But if you saw me like 5 years ago, you might think differently.
Needless to say, I need to step up on my regime. I've been slacking a bit. But alot still needs to be done.
It should cost me about $80 per month.
Time given : 8 months

10) Get my abs.
Difficulty Rating : 2/10
Stupid resolution that I keep making every year. I'm starting to wonder if it's within the genes for me NOT to get it. But considering the amout of endurance training I'm doing this year, I think if I don't get it, I'll be quite surprised, after all its just that stubborn little layer of fat aroud the waist! ARRGH.
I need to complete 6 series of cables, 12 series of cruches, 12 series of sit ups, 6 series of leg raises, 3 series of obliques resistance and 3 series of roman chairs every week.
Not much difficulty as I'm already almost doing it every week.
Time given : 5 Months



well.. This is about it. My usual 10 resolutions per year.
There are some resolutions in my mind that I wanna do, but the time span might cross over a year.
This are some of my ultimate goals within 5 years

A. Cut a professional music album with the ASH
B. Show that a hardcore gymmer CAN run 42km
C. Go to university
D. Start returning my dad and mum their investment on me
E. Find a good, stable job at a media company

F. I finally received an answer (re:8)
Route 1 : [The Green Light Option] I will put my full strength, and with God's help create one of the strongest christian community where homosexuals can be fully assured about their sexuality and that there is no condemnation
Route 2 : [The Red Light Option] I will ask God to change me. Through fire and storms, pain and agony. And if He will not, I will ask why again.
Route 3 : [No Light] There is no question now. I will still believe in God, but never again like how it was like in the past... I will still worship. But love, I think not.





zzz.. I wrote so much.
But this is one of my more important articles in a year.
=)

I leave on a happy note! I got half day off today! xD


ciAoz~!

you're back!... and I'm not about to let you leave my side...
*hugs*


I love you dear

Help Me God...

I wonder how it must have felt
When David stood to face Goliath on a hill
I imagine that he shook with all his might
Until You took his hand, and held on tight

'Cause You were there, You were there
In the midst of danger's snare
You were there, You were there always
You were there when the hardest fight
Seemed so out of reach
Oh, You were there, You were always there
You were always there

So there he stood upon that hill
Abraham with knife in hand was poised to kill
But God in all his sovereignty had bigger plans
And just in time, You brought a lamb

'Cause You were there,
You were there
In the midst of the unclear
You were there, you were there always
You were there when obedience
Seemed to not make sense
You were there, You were always there
You were always there

So haven't I learned that my ways
Aren't as high as Yours are
And You alone keep the universe
From crumbling into dust
You are God and though we would
Not have understood You
There You were

Hanging blameless on a cross
You would rather die than leave us in the dark
Every moment, every planned coincidence
Just all makes sense
With Your last breath

You were there, You were there
During history’s darkest hour
You were there, You were there always
You were the Victor and the King
You were the power in David's swing
You were the calm in Abraham
You are the God who understands
You are the strength when we have none
You are the living, Holy one
You were, You are and You will always be
the Risen Lamb of God

You were, You are and You will always be
The Risen Lamb of God

`- Avalon

where are you God...
where are you now...
you promised you would be with me always...

Why are all these things happening to me?

Are you there, when it seems impossible to win the battle against such wicked tyranny?
I'm trembling with all my might now...
Its really happening to me...

I can't win against such hate against my people...

Hold my hand, my God.
Whisper into my ear and tell me you are there...
Be my shield and my fortress...
And I will praise you all the days of my life...

Are you there, when all my life work shatters into nothingness? When I fall down from such a height, such a confidence... That I feel I may not ever recover again?
I lost my battle...
But I realized that it has been my own battle I have been fighting all along..

God, in all His sovereignty - had better plans
Lead me, my God.
Push me into the path that leads to your battle.
I don't want to be fighting for myself...
I want to be fighting for you..
And when the battle is won, I will hug you so close and I know you will say I fought well...


Dear God...
It seems so bleak now... I can't even move..
No... I don't even know where to move now...
I can't get into university without my portfolio now.. is it Your will?

I really don't understand...
You gave me this song, and it seems that my whole future is so unclear now..

I worked for you, and I worked hard...

Will you forsake your servant?

Why do you let this happen to me?

I thought you said that you love me...


is this how you treat the child you love?


my life is at its darkest moments and hardest crossroads... and just when I'm about to take a step forward, your light suddenly disappears...

I've lost so much faith and trust..

oh God... you held me so close before.. where are you now?

where are you now????!!!!

I do not doubt that You exist, because I know you do..
but you said that you love me.
if by dying on the cross satisfies everything, I want to die on the cross too..

you said that you love me...


father... prove it.